Janingalina

It's April. I've had serious mental illness about racing already. I've finally come to admit: I don't have either time or desire to train enough to be competitive with the women in the Expert class. They're talented and devoted, and I'm too much of a slacker to keep up.

I spent last summer beating myself up for being last-place Expert (all season) and driving myself crazy and being depressed about the training I wasn't doing enough of.

The week before the Whiskey Creek stage race I started on a new saddle. It's kinda roadie, and it's an ass hatchet at first, but when I get used to it, it's wonderful. So I wasn't used to it yet. I did pretty poorly at Saturday's races, and on Sunday at the XC race I was almost crying as I got on the bike, my keister hurt so much. But I perservered.

As I was going out for my sixth and final lap of the sandy sandy course, the winner of my class was at the finish line cheering me on. I almost cried. No, really, nice of her and all.. but I was in ass agony, and there she was, already drinking her recovery drink and I was going another round with the sandy hills. I should have stopped then.

But it only made me more depressed and crazy about the bike. I was determined. I started getting dropped on the Thursday night Rhino rides every week. Oh yeah, that was good for the bike self-esteem. (But fun to ride with Linda who would hang back with me as I gasped up the hills).

Then I was angry at the (rented fully) bike in Oregon. That I couldn't whiz right up the hills (read: mountains), and when I got back and rode my own tinkerbell hardtail I got all tentative, and less interested in racing/riding.

I think the hard truth is that with the training I do, I'm a sport rider, and I can be cool with that. I'm not ready to give up enough to be a competitive Expert rider. I have too much joi de vivre, too many other interests.

It took a lot of mental haranguing, angst, and a few tears, but I've decided to race Sport. I knew I wasn't cut out for Expert this year, but my Inner Critic expected everyone to say "Couldn't hack it? eh? Gave up? Quitter." I was pretty disappointed about it at first, but I'm ready to have a fun summer. Ride my bike, hang out with my friends, go camping, do some backpacking.

The more relaxed attitude of a Sport rider suits me better. It means I can have that deep fried cheesecake for dessert every now and then. I can go ride all the singletrack I want. Or not. It means that when I look at my bike, I smile. When I go out on my bike I'm happy. I can do this Sport thing, get all the riding and exercise I want, and focus on all the other parts of my life that are fabulous, and not to be missed.

Thanks to all my friends who've been all supportive and understanding. And to everyone else who didn't say what my Internal Critic expected you to say.