28 November 2004
here i am
or at least i'll try to be.
i guess i'm always taking in and learning and thinking and judging and planning. and i don't spend much time being. presently.
a lot of the time i think i'd be better off lobotomized. at least then i'd think less. and really, it's the crap in my head that gets me down. not hardly what anyone else says or does. just my preconceptions and interpretations them.
anyway, today's toughest sentence: you deserve to be happy, just like everybody else.
i'll give you that i deserve to be happy. but what is happy? this is something i've been struggling with. because i'm a mad rockin chick, but i think i'm going to want a house with a porch and some babies some day. in fact, i'm pretty sure of it. and these are not things a mad rockin chick wants. except i do. and i'm not always good at holding 2 mutually exclusive viewpoints. at least, it takes a lot of energy, and i get tired.
the house doesn't necessarily require a partner, but i don't want the kinder if i can't share them with someone. and finding that someone is a huge ordeal. because there are so many someones out there, and i haven't found one i want to keep forever. (on a side note: this is also why i have no tattoos).
see, i guess the problem is that i want these things, but i also don't want them. because they mean a permanence. a lessening of flexibility. it's tying yourself to people and the land. can you have these things and still be free?
i guess when it comes down to it, i'm terrified. and all the thinking and planning and judging is so i don't make a mis-step that will land me in another trap.
i just don't know.
i guess i'm always taking in and learning and thinking and judging and planning. and i don't spend much time being. presently.
a lot of the time i think i'd be better off lobotomized. at least then i'd think less. and really, it's the crap in my head that gets me down. not hardly what anyone else says or does. just my preconceptions and interpretations them.
anyway, today's toughest sentence: you deserve to be happy, just like everybody else.
i'll give you that i deserve to be happy. but what is happy? this is something i've been struggling with. because i'm a mad rockin chick, but i think i'm going to want a house with a porch and some babies some day. in fact, i'm pretty sure of it. and these are not things a mad rockin chick wants. except i do. and i'm not always good at holding 2 mutually exclusive viewpoints. at least, it takes a lot of energy, and i get tired.
the house doesn't necessarily require a partner, but i don't want the kinder if i can't share them with someone. and finding that someone is a huge ordeal. because there are so many someones out there, and i haven't found one i want to keep forever. (on a side note: this is also why i have no tattoos).
see, i guess the problem is that i want these things, but i also don't want them. because they mean a permanence. a lessening of flexibility. it's tying yourself to people and the land. can you have these things and still be free?
i guess when it comes down to it, i'm terrified. and all the thinking and planning and judging is so i don't make a mis-step that will land me in another trap.
i just don't know.
